Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Black Friday Survival Guide

There is just something about blow out prices and killer sale deals that gets a woman’s blood pumping fast and furious through her veins. There is nothing like the rush you get from knowing you are going to be the ‘Mother of the Year’ because you got your child that new toy for Christmas that was overpriced all year. You scour the ads, double check the websites and find the best price you possibly can. Not caring how far you have to venture, you put your own safety and well-being aside, dawn your shopper’s cap and head out to the craziest shopping day of the year...
Black Friday
If you are one of these crazy shoppers, I have hunted up the best ways for you to survive this Day of Deals.
1) Bring a Taser Gun
Not a huge one that delivers 70,000 volts, but a small one that fits in the palm of your hand or purse that doesn’t take up more room than your cell. Since this is the day of the year that ninjas come out of retirement, otherwise known as Grandma, You have to have something that can combat these seemingly innocent little old ladies. Gently place the tip of your stun gun against the lower back, give the trigger a light squeeze, and watch them go down. At this point, with a little basic acting skills, you can pick up her finds while at the same time looking like you are making sure you didn’t just commit murder.
2) Use a Distraction
If shocking the woman that can barely walk is a little out of your league, hire the neighbor’s kid. Hey, you’re going to save hundreds, you can spare five bucks. The age for best results is between three and four OR six and seven. Any younger and you’re probably going to be kicked out of the store and any older won’t have the desired effect. Stay away from five year olds. They need validation they did a good job and thus will blow your carefully devised deception. Make sure hand signals are worked out before hand and then let the little darling do what they do best... throw a tantrum. While every other parent is busy trying to console the screaming toddler or help the older child find their lost parent, grab everything you can to be sorted out later.
3) Love the Laxative
Using kids for your own selfishness is not for everyone. If you are one of these people, perhaps this one better suits your needs. It is known that people are willing to stand outside for hours in the cold and snow for those kickass door buster deals and not everyone is smart enough to plan ahead and bring something to keep them warm. Laxative laced hot cocoa or coffee is sure to not only clear the store, but possibly the line before hand if you get there early enough. While everyone else is waddling to the nearest bathroom or port-a-potty, you are free to walk at your leisure and get everything on your list with no competition. Just make sure they're out of hearing distance so they don't hear your impression of the Wicked Witch's cackle.
4) Chemical Warfare
You have morals, good for you. You don’t want to use anyone to get what you want and the thought of doing something that may harm another leaves a bad taste in your mouth. With a few sacrifices on your part, you can create something that will have no lasting effects on anyone. Create a stink bomb to be deployed in the electronics section of the store. While everyone runs from the stench, you, armed with a gasmask or medical mask coated in Vics, have the entire department and surrounding areas completely to yourself.
5) Play Dress-up
No, I’m not kidding. However, I’m not talking tea party or frilly. I mean you get some riot gear. You’ll need the padded suit to leave without bruised up flesh while you use that shield to just shove people out of your way. Just remember, DO NOT identify yourself as a real cop. That will backfire.
6) Customer Service is your Friend
This is the easiest and most effective way to take care of the other shoppers. Simply walk up to the counter with a fake look of concern and, only giving vague details, tell them something about a car in the parking lot. Most common is they left their lights on, but you can get as creative as you want. Just make sure that whatever you say does not end in a call to police. Chances are, there is more than a handful of people with the same color car or same type of car so there will be a flood of people leaving to make sure their battery doesn’t die. Since the point of this all important day is to save money, no one will want to spend some of that on fixing their car.
7) Just say No
You’re up and dressed and ready to go when you see a piece of turkey skin hanging from the ceiling fan. Your eyes follow it as it slowly spins until they catch sight of cranberry sauce smeared on the wall by where the Kid’s Table was located. Slowly, you begin to notice more and more food littering your kitchen and dining room you missed while cleaning in a cloud of turkey tiredness. Or, worried someone is going to slip a nasty surprise in your coffee thermos, you sit down to watch TV for a few extra minutes and your favorite Christmas movie is on. Seeing as how Thanksgiving is over and it’s a more appropriate time to for them to be on, you decide to watch it. Or, even still, you have no desire to be trampled by a stampede of weird ass humans acting like they are running with the bulls.
There are only about a million things you can do or convince yourself of over importance to get out of interaction with ninjas, fake police, people lying about your car or hired help in the form of a screaming child. Cutting your toenails, for instance.

If you’re going to participate in Black Friday, Keep these in mind and you are sure to not only survive the Day of Deals, but come out on top. Then, with your energy depleted and wallet full of all those saved monies, take a moment to consider all the kids whose parents don't have the means to do for their kids that you can do for yours and depend on Santa. After you knock out Hoss and taze Grandma, make a stop at the Toys for Tots bins and give a little of yourself to keep the magic of Christmas alive in the hearts of those less fortunate than you. Or, if you think you need to get out of dodge, go online and donate something that way. While any amount is always welcome, for a donation of five dollars, you can get a gift for yourself as well in the form of a story compilation. Just email us the copy of your donation receipt and you'll get to wake up to a gift from Santa too.

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